


Knowing Is Half The Battle

by Bio_kirah



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pitchmas 2018, This was a difficult one, rare pair?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 05:57:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17299067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bio_kirah/pseuds/Bio_kirah
Summary: Curled up in the living room, soaking in all of the decorations and the warm atmosphere really helped her sink into the warm feeling of Christmas, her absolute favorite time of the year. Of course, there was usually a cup of hot chocolate present and a fuzzy blanket to keep her warm. But it was exceedingly difficult for her to get into the Christmas spirit this year with the threat of anxiety looming over her.





	Knowing Is Half The Battle

**Author's Note:**

> This was what I came up with for Ellen (@jesseswanson on tumblr) for Pitchmas 2018! An angsty Chemily Christmas oneshot. 
> 
> Enjoy.

_White. Red. Green. White. Red. Green._

Emily’s eyes twinkled under the flickering lights of the Christmas tree. The alternating colors were mesmerizing, something truly having sprouted from the magic of the end of the year. The girl sat on the sectional in the living room of the Bella house, admiring the hard work of her fellow Bellas. There were stockings above the fireplace, snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, christmas decals adorning the walls, and just about every other corny decoration you can think of. Emily’s eyes weren’t sure where to focus on, so she looked everywhere.

This position was one she often found herself in around the holidays. Curled up on the sectional in the living room, knees drawn up to her chest and arms wrapped around her legs. It really helped her sink into the warm feeling of Christmas, her absolute favorite time of the year. Of course, there was usually a cup of hot chocolate present (with extra marshmallows, please) and a fuzzy blanket to keep her warm. However, it was exceedingly difficult for her to get into the Christmas spirit this year with the threat of anxiety looming over her.

For weeks now, Emily could barely contain her excitement at the thought of her girlfriend coming to visit her for the holidays. A few times she actually had to sit herself down in order to hold herself together. Although, technically, Chloe was coming for the annual Bella Christmas Bash, where graduated Bellas come spend the holidays with the current Bellas, acapella parties included. But Emily figured the two of them getting a chance to be together would be an added bonus. Especially since the two of them hadn’t spent any real time together since they went on a road trip for Labor Day weekend.

But ever since the redhead had arrived in town nearly a week ago, Emily hadn’t seen much of her at all.

The pair had an almost storybook reunion at the airport when Chloe finally came in. Emily could remember the way her heartbeat sped up just at the sight of her girlfriend. She could remember how her skin prickled with longing, finally able to satisfy the craving she had been having for Chloe for months. She could remember how her feet bounced and her face burned and her palms sweat. It was all she could do not to jump right out of her skin in excitement. When Chloe saw her standing there, waiting, she dropped all of her bags and ran right into her arms. Emily caught the girl who had come flying and they spun around, soaking in one another’s presence. And the kiss they shared? It sent shivers down her spine just thinking about it. The kiss they shared was one of comfort  _and_  desire. Kissing Chloe draped Emily in a blanket of calm while simultaneously stimulating all of her senses. Finally being able to kiss her love almost made the months spent apart worth it. Almost.

Because all too soon, Chloe had become a mere thought in Emily’s head. The other girl seemed to just not have time for her anymore. And Emily  _understood_. (Or she tried to. She really did try.)

All of her Bella sisters had come in town for this year’s Christmas bash too. Beca and Stacie and Amy and, well, all of the girls she’d had the privilege of calling her family her first year at Barden. Even Aubrey made time in her busy schedule to come to Georgia. So naturally, Chloe would want to spend her time with them too, right? It didn’t exactly matter that it had been months since she had last seen Chloe. The redhead had spent just as much time away from them as she had from Emily, so the taller girl knew that she had no right to be jealous of them. And Chloe was an extremely busy woman, so Emily knew to not be offended when many of her texts went unanswered for hours at a time. And she knew that is was truly just a coincidence that every time the two of them found themselves in the same room, Chloe suddenly had some very pressing issues to attend to. It just made sense…

Except it  _didn’t_  make sense and Emily was confused.

How was it possible for Chloe to be uttering the softest, most loving words in her ear one minute, only for her to turn around and completely disappear the next? Emily really didn’t want to assume the worst, but at this point there wasn’t much for her to go on.

She supposed it was possible that Chloe just got bored and decided to check out early. It’s not like Emily was around enough to keep her interested anyway. Or perhaps Chloe realized that it was ridiculous for her to be dating someone still working her way through college. Sure, Emily was finishing up her last year, but Chloe had a whole life ahead of her. What if Emily had been holding her back from doing all she could do and being all she could be? A shudder ran down her spine as the next thought infiltrated her mind. Chloe couldn’t be…  _cheating_  on her, could she?

Emily let out an unamused laugh and shook her head. No, this was silly. She was getting the wrong idea and she  _knew_  that. All the time they spent building what they had together was entirely too valuable for it to just be thrown away without so much as a conversation. Chloe respected her too much to do that. Right?

Emily took a deep breath in and a rather frustrated breath out.  _Of_ _course_  she did. Emily let herself sink into the back of the couch, the gravity of her thoughts weighing on her. While Chloe was naturally a provider, she hadn’t only given Emily things on a physical level, like gifts or pleasure, but Chloe had been possibly the most important part of restoring Emily’s self esteem. That certainly isn’t something you do for someone that you don’t care about or respect or love.    

When Emily was younger, she had constantly been told that she was ‘too much’. She was told that her outbursts of excitement were uncalled for and that her feelings were too over the top. She had been shamed into toning herself down for the sake of others and it really caused her to lose touch with who she was. She even ended up hating herself for feeling things so intensely that she often wished that she would just stop feeling all together.

But Chloe really helped change that for her.

While it was true that the two of them didn’t get along well when they first met, Chloe regretted her behavior almost immediately and spent countless days making it up to her. She had even, in classic Chloe fashion, given Emily a flipbook of all the things she admired about her, from her songwriting skills to the way she so intensely expressed herself (even though, at the time, it wasn’t a thing to be proud of).

Emily smiled despite herself, thinking about how  _that_  was what made her feel like herself again. Not only did Chloe not shame her for feeling so much, but she understood what it was like on a personal level. Emily liked to think that that’s why they understand each other so well. That precious book still held a place in the top drawer of her night table. It was a frequent read for her, one that was used to start a particularly sucky day or to end on a good note. It made her think about where she and Chloe started, about how far they had come together.

After Emily got over her initial fear of Chloe, she let herself open up. Then it became rather easy for her to get comfortable in the other girl’s presence. Chloe had felt inclined to show Emily her favorite spot up on the roof where she liked to be alone to think or sing or just be. Emily in turn showed Chloe the abandoned nook in the library that she had discovered months prior. Their quiet nights alone together near the end of Emily’s freshmen year really solidified Emily’s feelings for the redhead that had been placed in her life.

But she refused to get in too deep. She knew that Chloe was nearing graduation and was willing to step away to avoid being hurt.

But even after the redhead could have left her life for good, she stayed in touch with Emily. Even when she had the chance to disappear and never look back, she turned around and stretched out her hand to bring Emily along for the ride. Em was sure that that was when she fell deeply in love. Ever since then, Emily had learned to embrace who she was and what she felt, regardless of who got uncomfortable about it. And with Chloe there to back her up, their relationship grew stronger and stronger.

A deep relieving sigh tore through Emily’s body. She knew she had nothing to worry about. Just thinking about where she and Chloe stood was enough to ease her worrying mind.

Emily flinched at the sound of the front door slamming, effectively bringing her from her deep thoughts. She ran both hands over her face and took a deep breath, deciding to get up and greet whoever had come through the door. Emily stood up from the couch and stretched her long limbs, a satisfying pop coming from her back. She forced a smile on her face and moved towards the door, intent on forcing herself into a better mood. But just as her eyes landed on the entrance of the living room, a flash of red hair could be seen as the person who it belonged to quickly fled.

Emily’s heart rate spiked as it registered just who had come through the door. Chloe was here. Chloe saw her in the living room and didn’t give her so much as a hello. Chloe saw her… and she ran away.

All at once, Emily’s previous insecurities came back full force.

Emily willed herself to move forward, to push forward and fight for this woman that had so quickly become the love of her life. But her limbs were heavy with confusion and defeat and she just wanted answers.

“W-wait!” Her voice cracked as she called out to her girlfriend. This was it. Her storybook romance was coming to an end and they hadn’t even reached a year yet. The feeling of hopelessness was almost enough to make Emily give up completely, but the want… the  _need_  to know pushed her forward. It pushed her all the way into the kitchen where she caught up to Chloe before she had a chance to escape.

There Chloe stood, bracing herself against the kitchen island. Her back was turned and her shoulders looked incredibly tense. Emily eyebrows knitted together in concern as she reached an arm out, but she quickly thought against it. She had always noticed that Chloe was never one to entertain stress, but then again, the stress of keeping secrets was something she brought upon herself.

The longer they stood in silence, the more Emily began closing in on herself. With her arms crossed over her midsection and her head bowed, Emily shuffled awkwardly on her feet, until she looked like a completely vulnerable version of herself.

Out of her peripheral, Emily could see Chloe turn around and move towards her. She  _wanted_  to look up at her, but was desperately afraid of what she would find there. So instead she waited. For what? That much was unclear. Maybe an apology. Or an explanation. Or even a bunch of cameramen to suddenly appear, there to tell her that her girlfriend’s recent behavior was all apart of some elaborate joke.

But what she got was a soft caress to the back of her head and a delicate kiss to the cheek. It reminded her of a kiss of betrayal. Pressure built up in Emily’s throat as the urge to cry washed over her.

“Hey sweetie. I’ve got somewhere to be right now ok? But… maybe we can hang out later, yeah?”

Chloe said nothing more as she stepped around Emily, once again leaving her out to dry.

Emily wasn’t sure, but the trance she was under just moments before was nowhere to be found. She wasn’t sad or hopeless or stuck. But she  _was_  tired and angry and she just wanted to  **know**. With a speed like no other, Emily spun around and grabbed Chloe’s arm, trapping her under the doorway of the kitchen.

Just above them, right in the center of the doorway, was a small bundle of mistletoe. The Deja vu of the moment was nearly enough to shock her still. Suddenly Emily was a junior again, standing under that very doorway in front of a bright eyed and sunny Chloe Beale, ( _not_  the wide eyed and nervous one in front of her now). It was a moment she was likely to never forget. The moment she had built up enough courage to kiss the woman before her and confess the feelings that had been steadily growing within her. The moment that Chloe told her she  _actually_  liked her back. The moment that had singlehandedly given her life more meaning; to be there for Chloe, always and forever.

Emily stared into Chloe’s eyes now and wondered what changed for them. When along their journey did she become less than enough?

“Em wh- what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? You tell me Chlo. I… I don’t know what happened to us.”

Chloe’s eyebrows knitted together as she looked at Emily, searching her eyes. For the first time in a very long time, Emily didn’t feel comfortable looking at those bright blue orbs. With her eyes casted towards the ground, the last thing she expected to hear was a chuckle.

“What do you mean what happened to us?”

Emily had never felt so exasperated. Didn’t she see it? “Chloe… you’ve been avoiding me the  _entire_  time you’ve been here. I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it says that something is wrong.”

Chloe’s expression grew serious as realization washed over her. “Em, there is nothing wrong. I know i’ve been a little checked out lately but… I promise nothing is wrong okay Em? I just need a little more time”

“Time? Time for what?”

Suddenly Chloe stepped away from her and rubbed her hands over her face, groaning loud enough for Emily to hear. Emily’s hands flew up to her head and she gripped her hair with both hands. She couldn’t believe that this was her life right now.

“Okay, it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve, I can do this now right?”

“Do what now, Chloe? Talk to me!”

Emily braced herself. She was ready for anything at this point. A slap to the face, a breakup, an argument. Pretty much anything that would send her down a downward spiral of emotions… so imagine her surprise when, seemingly from thin air, Chloe has produced a small velvet box, opening it up to reveal the ring inside.

After about five minutes of silence, a mental reminder to breathe flashed through Emily’s mind. This was  _not_  the slap she thought she was ready for. A ring… a ring? Like… a  _ring_  ring?

Chloe reached up and cupped Emily’s cheek before speaking. “Em. Baby there is nothing wrong. I’m not going to break up with you or… or leave you. I wouldn’t dream of it. There are no secrets or lies or anything. Well this is a secret but,  **god** , I knew I couldn’t trust myself to not tell you before I had planned to. I had been making up excuses and ditching the room when you were there so that I wouldn’t be tempted to pull this out right then and there. I just-”

Emily grabbed Chloe’s face and kissed her before she let out another word. The change from the anxiety pooling in her stomach to the love exploding her heart happened a bit too fast for her to process, but she knew that she wanted to kiss Chloe. So she did. There was no doubt in her mind that Chloe was telling the truth. She knew the adorable rambling thing happened whenever the girl had a lot to get off her chest.

When the two girls pulled away, Emily had to actually catch her breath. She glanced at the ring again, still held up in Chloe’s hand, and shook her head in disbelief. She looked up into Chloe’s eyes, once again comfortable to do so, willing her to explain.

Chloe let out a chuckled as she eyed the ring in her hand.

“It’s a promise ring. You’re still finishing up school and… while I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, I still want you to live the best life you can. So this ring is a promise that no matter what, you and I will end up together.”

“Chloe, being your girlfriend  _is_  already the best thing I can do with my life. I.. I love you.”

Emily’s eyes pooled with unshed tears as Chloe slid the ring over her ring finger. She regretted all of the thoughts and doubts she’d had leading up to this moment. If this didn’t say that Chloe was the love of her life then she wasn’t sure what would. As the two of them shared a kiss more intense than ever before, all that ran through Emily’s mind was that this was obviously gearing up to be the best Christmas ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: fandom-heaux


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